To my Single Sisters:

I really wrestled with God while writing this post. To be honest, anytime someone asks me to speak about singleness or share what it is like to be unmarried from my perspective, I immediately want to “refer out.” 

There are many areas of our lives – no matter what season we find ourselves in – that come with great joy but also great pain. On painful days, the easy choice is to resist the urge to add value to a conversation. Yet, through years of walking with God, I have learned that often the very experiences that shape us come from places of pain, heartache and disappointment – and they are the very experiences that bring hope, minister to and encourage others. So, the following words are my tacit compliance to a non-exhaustive list of truths the Lord has taught me through years of wrestling, dating, hoping and praying through singleness. May they minister to you. 

1. Grieve with hope.

No matter how young or old a “single someone” is, there is an element of grief that comes with singleness. For me, I thought I would be married at 25 and have at least a couple of kids by 30, and eight years later, God had different plans. The past eight years have been filled with numerous opportunities, relationships and experiences, but the years have also come with seasons of great grief. Singleness is loneliness of a different kind. There are days when it would be so nice to have someone else to share in a decision, help walk the dog, or for the love, take out the freaking trash (can you tell one of my least favorite chores?). These are seemingly minor moments of grief, but the bigger moments come in the form of longings for intimacy, fears of if I’ll ever be a mom, and triggering celebrations for others. Now that you are all thinking: 

Rachel, this is depressing me. Where’s the hope?

I hear you. As my counselor has often reminded me, it is truly a miracle that two people would commit to marry each other for the rest of their lives and wake up everyday and choose each other over and over again. That commitment is sacred territory. It’s God-ordained and other-worldly. The hope is: God is at work. That seems so elementary and some form of spiritual bypassing, but think about this with me: The God of the universe who created you and me, who knows you and me better than anyone, who gave you and me our deepest desires and longings, He is at work in our lives. 

Psalm 84: 11 says, 

The Lord God is a sun and a shield. He bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly. 

God is not trying to withhold godly, handsome men from godly, beautiful women. God longs to give good gifts to His children (Matt. 7:11). He just knows the what, the who, the where, and the when. The hope is: God is at work in miraculous ways, and He hasn’t forgotten you or your longings. We do not grieve without hope (1 Thess. 4:13). We rest in our ultimate aim, which is to bring him glory.

2. Celebrate your season. 

Gratitude is like a warm blanket, comforting our deepest longings. A few months ago, I started writing down three things I’m grateful to God for everyday. It has genuinely changed my life. I can always find things in my life that could be better or different, but celebrating what is – that is a true spiritual discipline that bolsters our faith and encourages our hearts. Since I graduated college, I have traveled across the world, met incredible humans, gone to grad school (almost done!), helped plant a church, bought a house, raised a dog and gotten to know God in an incredibly intimate way. Do I want to share experiences like these one day with a spouse? Absolutely. But, God has grown my character in ways I never would have imagined had I gotten married ten years ago. So, drink your oat milk lattes with your Bible and journal, love your “aunt life,” take your trips, plant the church and invest in the next generation. There is a reason Paul says, “Be like I am.” (1 Cor. 7:7).  

3. Be vulnerable with your people. 

So, you’re single and you may be flourishing, but sometimes well-meaning people don’t know what to say or do. Maybe their season looks so different than yours that they just can’t relate. Maybe they secretly desire the freedom you have (yes, there are married people who wish they were single). Regardless, as a wise mentor often says to me, “You have to teach people how to treat you.” That means, sometimes you share, “When you say this, I feel this …” Or, sometimes that means you say, “Hey, would you be willing to ask me how my dating life is going? I would love to talk about it with you.” Or, depending on how you’re doing, it might mean, “Hey, can you stop asking me about my dating life? It causes me to feel like I’m not enough as a single person, when I’m actually doing pretty good.” Just like our married friends and/or friends with kids need us to seek to connect to their lives, they, too, can connect with us. But, it takes a step of vulnerability to invite them into that sacred space with us. 

Some of my married friends have seen me in incredibly dark moments … and they have listened, cried, prayed and grieved right alongside me. That is the beauty of the Body of Christ, and that is the beauty of vulnerability. 

4. Learn to Laugh. 

Let’s be real. Dating is truly hilarious at times. I have sat with friends and scrolled through online dating profiles, laughing through tears at some of the captions. A few years ago, I forced a friend to go to a speed dating event, and we left with so many stories ready to be shared at your next dinner party. 

I do not mean to make light of the person who is grieving in their singleness (been there), but I do mean to encourage an invitation to invite others into some of the comical moments of singleness. Currently, Leslie Liao is feeding my soul with hilarious dating comedy. 

5. Remember Jesus (and Paul and others). 

Two men in the Bible who speak boldly about marriage are two men who were single: Jesus and the Apostle Paul. They are models for us on how to faithfully pursue the Father’s business in the season of singleness. Their ministry opportunities were endless. Their counsel is unmatched. I am regularly asking God for their boldness and courage. In those requests, He has often provided me with other godly single men (I wish He would send a few more men, but we’re in discussions about this) and women a few steps ahead of me who are living their best lives while single. Recently, I met a beautiful, godly single therapist in her 40s who started her own business, invests deeply in her community and ministers to her clients daily. I look around my small group and see women who are pursuing their dreams, starting businesses, investing in the next generation while still desiring a spouse. They aren’t “waiting” for a spouse, they’re “living” for Jesus. 

6. Never settle. 

Singleness can be very lonely. It truly can. But, because of the nature of what I do, I spend a lot of time with people. While singleness is lonely, I can’t think of a more lonely place to be than lonely in a marriage. I say “settle” carefully because I do think in the days of online dating, we have grown picky as a generation. It seems like there is always someone better looking who is just a swipe away. I do not mean “never settle” for shallow characteristics (sure, there needs to be an attraction). But, I do mean, never settle in the realm of a man pursuing godliness. I have known what it is like to date a godly man and known what it is like to date an ungodly man. The latter only ends in an utterly broken heart. I promise, it is not worth it. I would rather be single forever than married to the wrong man. Pursue godliness and occasionally look to your right or left and see if there is a godly man running next to you. (Disclaimer: If I could bathe #6 in qualifiers, I would. We are all broken humans in need of a Savior. Jesus is not available to date, so let’s not expect men to look exactly like Him. The heart of a man who is imperfectly pursuing godliness is what I mean.)

7. Beg God. 

Lastly, I share #7 as someone who feels as if she is sitting with God in #7. I am believing in God to do what only God can do. I long for a spouse. I long to be a mom. I long for a future family. So, I regularly come to God and beg Him for those dreams. While He has not given them to me yet, I am confident He hears me. He knows what I need. And, there is no better man to come running to with my unmet longings. My Single Sisters, keep running to Him and keep begging Him. He hears you. 

P.S. To my married sisters: We need you. Keep setting us up with the friends you know who are single. Keep begging God on our behalf. Don’t just tell us the joys of marriage but also tell us the hard things (we forget that the grass isn’t always greener). Invite us into your family. Ask us how dating life is going. Ask us how you can pray. 

P.S.S. To my personal married friends/sisters: Thank you for doing the above for me. I love you.